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托福写作批改示例

2018-08-07 23:41 小马过河 admin

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摘要:A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near where you live. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new addition to your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position. ​ 例文评论: 一、文章结构 题目是支持反对型。 本文结构的优点在于,advantages的部分和disadvantages的部分的比例大致为3:1。我们写这个类型的题目一定要注意这一点,即

   A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near where you live. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new addition to your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

  例文评论:

  一、文章结构

  题目是支持反对型。

  本文结构的优点在于,advantages的部分和disadvantages的部分的比例大致为3:1。我们写这个类型的题目一定要注意这一点,即你支持的部分一定要比你反对的部分长一倍以上。

  二、语言运用。

  1.         句(2)

  普通:However, I strongly believe the construction of a factory would bring us more advantages than disadvantages and therefore I fully support this idea.

  优秀:Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.

  评论:前句有些拖沓重复,后者简洁清晰。作为主题句,应尽量简单明确。

  2.         句(11)

  普通:Some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets. Others have an inadequate income and often they cannot secure the food they need. Besides, graduates cannot find work, just because the employment rate is nearly the lowest in the country.

  优秀:The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country.

  评论:前面的句子过于分散,主语过于多样化;后者采用一系列分句构成一个整句,很紧凑,而且主语都有the加上一个形容词表示群体,给人一种浑然一体的感觉。要学会使用分号来使同一意思的句子排列在一起表达一个整体意思。

  三、常见错误和误区

  1.         原文中的A new factory’s erection would have not only positive.

  错误在于erection的误用。通常我们可以用set up、found和build来讲建起某个实物,而erect更多的是“使竖立”的意思,在表“建立”时通常指建立组织,因此,用在此不合适。在平时积累词语时要注意词语经常使用的语境,而不要只根据中文意思记词。

  2.         原文中的The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets.

  这个句子由一些英文不怎么地道的人来看也许会觉得比较有文采,但是由外国人看的话很可能不知道在讲些什么。不要用一些生硬的词将中文生译成英语,那样一是很可能因为失去语言的流畅感,二是因为中西文化的差异,同一个意思的表述方式很可能不同,三是这种译法可能会使用一些不符合语境的词,如这里的poke。要确定一些日常用语的说法,如垃圾箱是trash can或dustbin,而不是street basket.

  3.         原文中的Employment is an immense problem in our state, so the government is trying to find ways to remedy the present situation.

  这个句子还是用词的问题。Immense通常不用来修饰problem,而remedy也很少与situation相搭配,而是经常与wrongness或mistake连用。

 

 

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